Uncertainty..
“…you wanted to tell me something, na?”
Hesitation. Reluctance. A deep breath.
“Arrey, no, nothing.”
Internal sigh of relief, instantly followed by overthinking. “What if I told her?”
WHAT IF?
Uncertainty. Everyone’s familiar with it, has experienced it at one point of their lives, been victims to it.
It is weird how a moment’s hesitation can alter a person’s life so much. It’s frightening to realize that you’re where you are in life now, instead of where you could be, because you weren’t sure of yourself at the right time.
Why am I going on and on about this? It’s because uncertainty usually takes place in two varied ways. One, you stay reserved for a while, keeping quiet, thinking it’s really not your place to talk to them about this or that, then slowly, but steadily, you try to make conversation, you try to befriend, try to take risks you normally wouldn’t because you crave companionship. You try breaking the ice, and it works, for most of the times. You’re now the fun guy, the guy who plays the guitar, the guy who gives treats. Congratulations! You have a role in your social group.
Two, you never break the ice. You cannot. You have too many issues.
Uncertainty. It can engulf your entire being. Every step you take, a bit too late. Irrelevant. It can force you to question yourself. Raises doubts about your capabilities. Feeds on your weaknesses, diminishes your confidence in your strengths. It ruins several golden opportunities, life changing ones. Just like atoms are the building blocks of life (excuse this arts student using science examples), moments are the building blocks of lives. Being uncertain means you’re almost always late, and somehow, someone always manages to steal your thunder.
Why are we uncertain, unsure of ourselves? Maybe because you had a troubled childhood, maybe you were hit when you were small, you were shouted upon, told you were worthless, a burden, a waste of space. Or maybe uncertainty is ingrained in everyone, like a manufacturing defect.
“Why is it so hard to just start a conversation without breaking into a nervous sweat?”
“Arrgh. I should have thought about that before, now they think I’m weird.”
“Maybe I AM a pathetic waste of space!”
Bam. Your chance to make a good first impression is gone.
I know what it’s like. I was like that. Kolkata, in class 8, I was the new kid, determined to make a good first impression, afraid of failing, afraid of screwing it up and forever messing up my place in the school. I got off on the wrong start with some people, argued, and messed my head up. I came off as reserved in some tuitions I went to, the quite kid, doesn’t like to talk. Got a feeling of not being wanted. Was called names. That really messes with your self-confidence. But then, I knew I was good at this, every year in my school, I made my life a little better, rose through invisible ranks. I had to. It’s irrational, really. Why some people have to do everything? Why some people are content with so little? I made things work, they didn’t work out the way it was supposed to but I tried my best, and maybe, just maybe, succeeded in what I wanted.
This was not intended to be a pep talk for people who are uncertain about themselves. This will not end optimistically. You won’t see me type, “everything’s gonna be alright” because it never will be. I cannot share words of wisdom because I am clueless about life myself. I still have problems. I still go into a new environment, always expecting judgmental stares, snarky comments, always afraid of making the wrong move, or being late in making the right one. I cannot tell you that it’s a phase, or that you will get over this. I can only tell you that I understand what you’re going through, I can offer you my support, assurance, but that’s all. I can tell you that you’re certainly not alone. As Voltaire said, “Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position, but certainty is an absurd one.”
Many things have been left unsaid, even now, because of the monster that plagues us all.
Uncertainty.
By
Debjyoti Samaddar.
ORDER FROM CHAOS. 